Sliding into a life nobody actually decided on

These are listed in the order worth acting on, which with commitment by drift is not the order they are usually presented in.

Sliding versus deciding

Relationship researchers describe a difference between transitions people slide into and ones they explicitly decide on, and the outcomes differ. Sliding looks like staying over more often until somebody is effectively living there, then formalising it because the lease is up.

Deciding looks like a conversation in which both people say what they want and agree to it, which sounds trivial and is not. The difference is not the outcome but whether both people chose it.

Constraints accumulate quietly

A shared tenancy, a pet, a sofa, a joint phone contract and a mutual friendship group all raise the cost of leaving. None of them raise the level of commitment, which means the two can drift apart until somebody is staying because leaving is difficult.

Said plainly, that is a recognisable and common situation and it rarely announces itself. Noticing the difference between wanting to be there and finding it hard to leave is the whole of the diagnosis.

The questions that never get asked

Are we exclusive, what does living together mean, do we intend a future, and are we planning around children are all commonly assumed rather than agreed. Each takes a couple of minutes and people postpone them for years because raising them feels like forcing an issue. The postponement is usually more costly than the answer would have been.

A partner who cannot answer any of them after two years has answered them.

Deciding retrospectively works

Where you have already slid into something, it can be converted into a decision by having the conversation now. Asking whether you would choose this arrangement if you were starting from nothing today is the most clarifying question available. If the answer is yes, saying so out loud changes the footing considerably.

If the answer is no, that is worth knowing before another two years pass.

Milestones are not the same as commitment

Moving in, getting engaged, buying property and having children are structural steps that people frequently take hoping they will produce a decision. Escalating a commitment to resolve doubt reliably makes the doubt more expensive rather than resolving it.

In practice, this is the mechanism behind a great many unhappy property purchases and, less reversibly, pregnancies. The order that works is deciding first and then taking the step.

Every relationship is its own thing, and general advice only goes so far.

Building in review points

Deciding to check in every six or twelve months about whether the arrangement still suits both of you converts drift into a series of small decisions. It is unglamorous, and couples who do it report feeling more secure rather than less, because the alternative is never knowing. The conversation is short when things are fine and enormously valuable when they are not.

When it goes wrong, this is the same logic as any review: cheap when unnecessary and irreplaceable when it is.

Everything above, in order of what to do first

1. Sliding versus deciding. Relationship researchers describe a difference between transitions people slide into and ones they explicitly decide on, and the outcomes differ.
2. Constraints accumulate quietly. A shared tenancy, a pet, a sofa, a joint phone contract and a mutual friendship group all raise the cost of leaving.
3. The questions that never get asked. Are we exclusive, what does living together mean, do we intend a future, and are we planning around children are all commonly assumed rather than agreed.
4. Deciding retrospectively works. Where you have already slid into something, it can be converted into a decision by having the conversation now.
5. Milestones are not the same as commitment. Moving in, getting engaged, buying property and having children are structural steps that people frequently take hoping they will produce a decision.
6. Building in review points. Deciding to check in every six or twelve months about whether the arrangement still suits both of you converts drift into a series of small decisions.

The takeaway

Ask whether you would choose it again today. If you would, say so out loud and make it a decision.

Say the awkward sentence early. It is cheaper than the alternative.