The ex who is still in the group chat

There is a settled way of talking about contact with exes. It is worth asking how much of it survives contact with the detail.

Contact is often unavoidable

Co-parenting, shared workplaces, overlapping friendship groups and small communities all make total separation impractical. Insisting on it in those circumstances asks somebody to dismantle their life, which is a demand rather than a boundary. The workable position is agreeing what the contact is for and what it looks like.

Practical, transparent and limited to what the situation requires covers most cases.

Concealment is what causes damage

Ordinary contact that a partner finds out about later is experienced as a lie, regardless of how innocent the contact was. Mentioning it casually at the time removes the entire problem and costs a sentence.

Most of the time, the instinct to hide it usually comes from wanting to avoid a reaction, which is the beginning of a larger pattern. If contact would need hiding, that is the question worth examining rather than the contact.

Distinguish requests from vetoes

Asking to be told when they meet, or asking to meet the person, is a request for information. Requiring somebody to end a friendship, delete a contact or avoid a whole social group is a restriction on their life. Feeling uncomfortable is legitimate and does not by itself justify the second.

The first is negotiable between two people; the second is where control begins.

Unresolved is different from present

A friendship with an ex where the ending is genuinely finished feels different from one where it is not, and both partners usually sense which. The honest question is whether the relationship is still open in either person's mind, and that is answerable directly. Naming discomfort about that specifically is more productive than objecting to the friendship in general.

In practice, people generally know the answer and avoid saying it.

Co-parenting has its own rules

Where children are involved, contact is not optional and it works best when it is businesslike, scheduled and limited to the children. A new partner does not get a say in the co-parenting arrangement itself, and does get to expect not to be surprised by it. Keeping those communications in one place, at predictable times, protects both relationships.

The children's stability is the priority, and most guidance is unambiguous about that.

If you are worried about your safety, talk to someone rather than an article.

Agree it before it comes up

A five-minute conversation early about what contact with exes looks like for each of you is easier than the same conversation mid-argument. Defaults differ enormously and neither is obviously correct, which is why it needs saying rather than assuming.

Revisiting it without treating a change of mind as evidence of something keeps it a live agreement. Most of the trouble here comes from two unexamined assumptions colliding.

The takeaway

Mention it at the time, agree what it looks like early, and notice the difference between a request and a veto.

Clarity is kinder than politeness that leaves someone guessing.